Like a Light Admits The Darkness

Hello there.

It's been a while, hasn't it?

I'm ashamed to say it's been more than a while, and many of you are probably looking at this site like, "what on earth happened? It hasn't been updated for months!"

Depression happened.

I'm no stranger to the illness--but when I'd have my episodes, I was usually in college and working at a daycare, so I could mask the worst of the symptoms with endless work. Even during my five years at the library, I was able to hide it away underneath work.

It's so much harder to do that now, working from home, with only the places I give myself to go.

And it caught up with me.

It feels hollow; I am living, but I'm not alive...if that makes sense. And it's hard to find the motivation to do most things, let alone extracurriculars.

If you've never gone through depression, blessings upon ye. But if you have, I know you can understand the grueling plague that is to simply watch the clock tick by and the sun get lower and lower into the sky and feel nothing,

You watch TV, or read a book, yet you cannot feel empathy or sympathy or get excited or angered by what occurs. You eat a meal, if you're lucky, but it doesn't nourish you. You can shower, but it doesn't make you feel refreshed. You sleep. And sleep. And sleep. But no matter what time you go to bed, or how many naps you take, you're always still tired.

And it goes on like this, sunrise to sunset; full moon to new moon.

The worst of it is when you do venture outside to meet up with friends at a social obligation, you spend the majority of the time just. existing. in the same space. You're surrounded by people--friends even!--but you're not there, mentally. emotionally. spiritually. Just physically. And you spend that time engaging in small talk; responding to questions, trying to smile like you're in grade school again waiting for that class picture to be taken until the moment passes, and you return to the empty shell.

I've talked to my therapist.

I know the majority of my depression this time around is a case of Season Affective Disorder--SAD. i.e. the changing of the seasons when we loose sunlight that brings about the blues--and the changing of medications as I try to find one that's a better fit with me.

I've talked to my psychiatrist.

I'm on a new medication that will hopefully combat the worst of the depression.

I've got my happy lamp.

To combat the SADs, and 10,000 lumins lamp that mimics the rays of the sun to help create serotonin.

I've got loads of things to look forward to.

The Renaissance Festival. A trip to California and Disneyland. Spooky shenanigan's with my best friend and nephews. A Shania Twain concert. Busy time at work. A convention where I'll get to meet some Star Trek people.

Yet. Depression isn't a quick fix, nor can it be that simple.

Van Gogh, who I've put forth as the post's header, suffered with it for years with major highs and lows (though his was bipolar depression, which is different than my major depression disorder, even if the depression can come in through the same feeling). And even though we've come so very far with how we treat those with mental illnesses, it still is a major pain to deal with. That, I'm sad to say, hasn't changed.

So, my apologies that I've let the website slide to the wayside for months. Many things have gone on that I've missed out on reporting about, and I'm sure you're all wondering what things the Art League has had in store for the majority of the summer.

I can't add in everything to this post--mostly because I have to sort through a lot of emails that I'll be honest...I haven't kept up with, because I was using every ounce of mental compacity I had just to sift through and take care of emails for my job.

But what I can do is post some things about last month's presenter.

Not in this post, god no. It's too depressing (pun intended) and I'll not dishonor the presenter like that. But it will immediately follow this post, that much I can take care of.

And I'll try to get the website up to date with things while I have the energy to do so, so it won't look as messy.

I prided myself on how nice the website looks, and I want to try and get that back up to snuff, so maybe it won't be so daunting to me down the road.

After all, it's much easier to work with a clean space than a dirty one. If watching people clean their depression rooms has taught me anything, lol.

Anyway, after all this, I hope you understand why the site has been looking down in the dumps for so long--it's because it's webmaster was, in fact, down in the dumps herself.

But even in darkness, there is light. and that's what I have been holding onto for these past few months.

A light admits the darkness.